Grief

My old dog is dying

It’s 3am as I start to write this and I cannot and do not want to sleep.  I just have to type and get it out.  Apologies if this post is boring.  It may serve to help me in the future to look back and definitely get stuff out of my head now.

My old dog (Sally) is very very unwell.  She’s a 17 year old Jack.  She’s staying with me (technically she’s not ‘my’ pet anymore because she ordinarily lives with my ex. His mum had given her to us so when we split up (2010) I had to leave her behind.  However she is still our pet)….

My ex went on holiday with our children on Friday and because I have a cat that Sally would kill straight off she went to stay with my Dad who owns 3 dogs, lives by fields and it was ideal….  She was fine when I dropped her off.  On Sunday morning Dad called me to let me know that Sally was very poorly.  She hadn’t kept any food down since going there, barely drinking, walking like a drunk person – sometimes falling over, quite vacant and his partner said her head had been shaking from time to time…

Dad and I took her to the emergency vet and she did the shakey thing there – turns out it was a seizure. Blood and protein in her urine.  The vet gave her an anti sickness med in the hope that she would start eating and taking fluids properly. The plan was that if she still didn’t eat and/or had increasing seizures that was affecting her quality of life then obviously we’d need to take her back….

Yesterday my Dad phoned me in tears.  It’s only the 2nd time in my life I’ve known him to cry so I knew things were serious.  He told me Sally still hadn’t eaten, barely drank and now was barely managing to walk a few feet. He (and I) felt it best that, stuff my cat, she needed to be with me as she knows me very well…. no way she would attack my cat anyway.

I went over and within less than an hour I witness 5 small seizures.  My step-mum said she’d had at least 5 before.  Spoke to emergency vet again who said things were probably looking bleak and she needed to be seen either then or at least by the next morning (now today).  The vet said she will need to stay there for intensive care (rehydrated/blood testing etc) or put to sleep.  Even the former may lead to being put to sleep if not usual self. My ex decided that he wanted me to have her for the night (now) so at least she would spend one more night with someone she’s especially close too… so since 8.30pm last night she’s been at home with me.  It was a bit of a risk.

I’m so glad and honoured to be taking care of her.  In the last few hours though she’s developed an intermittent period of laboured breathing.  I feel so sad and frightened right now and part of me wishes we had gone to the vet.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.  She doesn’t seem in pain though.  Perhaps it’s more my anxiety.

When she’s awake I’ve been cuddling, kissing, and talking to her about all sorts. She just looks at me so blankly 😥 at the time of writing she’s sleeping and looks so peaceful.  I’m hoping in a way that she will pass before morning so she doesn’t have to go through the vet stuff.  Although she’s been vacant I can tell she feels some sort of comfort as she cuddles into me…

So here I am at 3.37am Tuesday morning, waiting for the vets to open, hoping she’ll pass but dreading whatever outcome this will be.  I can’t leave her side.  I’m looking over at her and her breathing is very rapid and sometimes noisy.  I don’t want her to wake up and find me asleep, not being there to stroke her.

This is so fucking hard. I love her. I just feel so helpless and sad.  Here are some pictures of my lovely girl:

In her prime:

img_3576

Earlier yesterday evening:

img_3699

A couple of hours ago:

img_3711

She’s just woken so I’m publishing now. I’m more scared when she’s awake because of how distant she is and this is when the seizures seem to take place.  At the same time it’s so good to talk and spend treasured time with her.  I don’t know when it’s going to be the last time I get to do that. But, when she’s asleep she looks so peaceful.

Off to cuddle her again 😦 😦 😦 😦 I think today will be her last 😦 😦 😦 😦

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